Alcohol's a way of life and good for the economy. It's keeps those certain people off the streets at night. Cocktails must be Prague's unsung secret.

Why a secret? Is it because Absinthe, Becherovka, Fernet and Czech beer get all the lime-light, along with the notorious Czech-per-capita annual beer consumption being so high - alleged to be among the world's top three?

Or maybe its because the guidebooks are written for hard-up heller-pinching travellers, set to gain maximum enjoyment from the cheapness of a beer. Treat yourself to a 'velky pivo' in a cocktail bar and you'll generally be set back a whopping 50 crowns. There's a lesson here (I appeal to the more adventurous spirits amongst you).

Cocktail bars don't tend to boast over 300 different cocktails just to fill out the menu pages. And the bar people didn't 'study' at some Prague bar school for their own private amusement. Intriguingly, however, cocktail studies fell short of actually defining the cocktail.

An answer to this philosophical poser eluded all but the very best of our cocktail graduates.'Colourful like the tail of a peacock' was the declared winner of my investigations, while 'compulsory straws, umbrellas, fruit slices and leggy women in the wings' came a well-deserved runner up.

Following is a critical analysis of Prague's best cocktail hotspots. Praise and abuse is representative of the respective numbers of samples donated in the research.

If you're after that exotic Caribbean holidays feel, then you need a drink or three at 'Zanzibar', an eclectic mixture of musicians, tourists and business types. Peruse the modern art (for sale) adorning the walls as you absorb the never-ending menu and chill out to the funky jazz sound.

The bar staff is full of drink recommendations. They will also happily show off their bar skills (bottle twirling etc) when they feel the urge. Meanwhile, the waitresses will scuttle to and fro from bar to dining room doing their cocktail thing.

Zanzibar boasts forty different whiskeys plus Mexico's most exclusive Tequila (Porfidio Barrique) at 1000Kc a shot. You can just take an exclusive sniff free of charge.

Find your way into the boss's good books through regular Zanzibar drinking and you will enjoy a 20% discount, not to mention the aforementioned's charismatic company. Get the 10% discount card and I'm sure you're on your way.

If Stan the Man's Blues fail to rivet, love him as we do, venture down below into the 'serious' bar.

The informative barmen are nothing less than cocktail enthusiasts, confidently equipped with 25 different Martinis to hand (from dirty to perfect to James Bond-style 'shaken not stirred') and an intriguing anti-Absinthe philosophy. The crowd spans Czech drink connoisseurs to expatriate rabble. Easy-listening lounge music beautifully maintains the harmony. What are you waiting for?

For that all-American sense of cool and faultless service, then (no surprises) it's gotta be TGI Friday's American Bar.

Along with a full range of bar food (burgers etc), a nightly show-time (usually after 10) and a wholly professional service, you get a respectable clientele (18-65) of tourists and well-to-do natives, and a bang-central location. On the other hand, if you're looking for something of Prague, you won't find it in TGI's. (Try Chateau).

But then who needs debauchery all year round in any case? Respect for service with a smile; it doesn't come easily in today's Prague.

Fair's fair if you're after a real-live Bohemian vibe. Quit Prague-centre and venture down to Hapu in Zizkov (nearest Metro Flora).

This is (until now) a well-guarded secret among expats in the know (as opposed to a dodgey one best left alone). You see, get lucky with the company and you'll be finding it hard to say 'Ne' to one more cocktail. Bar staff are friendly folk and spare no effort in your cocktail preparation / creating works of cocktail art / attending to your each and every need etc.

Pina Coladas go down a treat, but the huge 'home-made' selection is definitely worth a try. Freshly squeezed juices and succulent fruit slices will refresh mind and soul, while the infamous ChocoMint will just leave you drooling.

Management takes no responsibility for your finishing a whole one. Wacky names include Flying Kangaroo, Between the Sheets and Alien Secretion. I'm hoping to see Alien-menage-a-trois before the year's up.

So, basically, if you want a drink you won't get a song and a dance about it. (Take your shameful tourist mentality elsewhere.) Yet if the bar isn't centre-stage as at Ostroff, its so that the uniquely vintage style can.

And that's the immaculate decor, the secluded corners and the gentle hubbub of voices for starters. Singles can get in on the act when the DJ gets started and the dance floor fills up to R&B, Soul and Acid Jazz sounds.

My adventures bring me to the delicate task of describing Bugsy's. From the outside it is easy to miss (Pariska 10, though submerged on a corner), and reminiscent of an American Prohibition den.

On the inside... find a 'brute-in-a-suit' on hand to help with the door and oversee the proceedings from his six-stair-height. If that does it for you, then feel free to join the merry throng - there is a definite buzz. Caviar (1790 - 2790Kc) and canapts are available to buy should you get hungry.

Enjoy pretension all round and a flexible intellectual vacuum should you feel the need to socialize - not traditional Globe-type expats in sight I'm afraid. And don't forget to buy the perfectly bound menu booklet (350Kc) as a souvenir. Bugsy's may be respected as the height of sophistication to some, but I might just leave them to it.

Cocktails are cool. They also eat up your money and smack of high-society. Tourists love them, goddammit. Lets break that monopoly and get merry while we're at it. Just go easy on the Pina Colada's and the Long Island's. They slip down rather too easily. And don't get too drunk.

Not to sound priestly, it's just not the name of the game. (Absinthe and cheap beer are not without their uses.) Personally, I'm converted. Can you have too much of a good thing? Myself, not if its a Pina with a straw.

Happy Drinking!